Denis Joseph Nexum Hardware.

Sata Internal

International Megan's Law to cause more pain to my family!

,I am a mother of a molested child and a mother of a one time, non-violent, consensual, internet sex offender.  While this is not a situation I would like to be in, it is one that uniquely in that makes it one that I can see both sides of the issues.

This phase of my life is one I feel guilty about because I was the one who was supposed to protect him and didn't.  As a sole partner, being left by my husband, I decided to look for a "Brother/Mentor Association".  You see, I felt since my son had be the "target" child of my husbands abuse he needed a more positive male role model in his life.  I did not want him growing up to treat his children in that same manner.  He had already suffered so much by the injury in his right temporal lope, which impacts his reactions, that I felt he needed to see that not all men are abusive and violent.

I did not know at the time that being at the age of 6 for 10 years, that he was molested.   I thought I was dealing with his feeling of abandonment from loosing his father, being the "target" child when his father was around and "the injury" to his right temporal lobe.  All of these experiences cause similar behavior of that of a molested child.  But how could I tell the difference?

When he climbed out on the roof and wanted to jump to kill himself, was it due to being molested or abused by his father and the damage to his right temporal lobe and the constant seizures due to his father's injury to him, how was I to know about the molestation?  When he acted out at school, what was the underlining reason?  And why was he always so mean to his sister.

In my heart of hearts I believe that you have not been given all of the most accurate information.  Let me tell you a little more about my son so that you can get a better understand of the true impact.

You may, as others do, ask why my son did not tell that he was being molested, especially since I spoke with him about it a number of times.  But research shows that a boy in this situation does not see viable options before him or know what choices he may have, and thus cannot make the decision that his adult self sees as "right" later on.

In some cases a boy may feel a continuing closeness with the perpetrator (like my son did).  The abuse may have been a way of feeling connected to this person and the boy may feel loved, cared for or nurtured.  (like my son did).  The "blame" affected my son in keeping the secret for many years; it is not uncommon for some survivors to remain silent for decades, even taking the abuse to the grave without ever disclosing what happened so many years previously.  (my son kept his secret for years for fear, shame, blame, threats and not wanting his grandfather to know).  He also felt worthless and good only for sex.  He was horrified of the consequences if he told someone about the sexual assault.  He didn't  know if he would be blamed for it, denounced as a liar, cause more pain to our family, or even be known or considered gay by his friends.  You need to know that these are all legitimate fears for children, backed up by research, and exploited by the abuser to their advantage.

You should know that a perpetrator gave my son beer and pornographic magazines while he performed oral sex on him.  Although it started with wrestling and rubbing and ended up with sexual acts they all impacted my son's ability in having positive relationships. And this man was never charged and has gone FREE!  These actions and lack of getting help for them, messed up his boundaries and with damage to his right temporal lobe (from his father) he had difficult with his impulses.

So, you can see how when his girl invited him to chat offline and perform sexual acts over the internet he did without pause or hesitation.  Of course, he was also drinking at the time to num the feeling from the abuse and assault.  So, in my feelings, he didn't have much of a chance.  However, once he realized who it was and sobered up, he stopped that activity.  She then became upset, in my opinion, and reported him.

At 2 PM in the morning I received that nightmare phone call that he had been arrested, and needed to be bailed out.  This is a most difficult task on the weekend since they had to confirm that I did not get my money from a drug dealer.  To make it short, I got him out and our lives are still in pieces.

Now that you have some background, let me tell you how H.R. 5138 International Megans Law will impact my son. My son already can not travel out of state without notifying his Parole Office, as that is the law in NJ.  He can only leave for business and he must request from his Parole Officer to be able to leave 21 days before his departure and he must notify the Police when he arrives at his destination.  The other day, his sister needed a ride to JFK and he could not help her because it was out of state and less than 21 days.

As an Adult Martial Arts Training, he not only travels within the US, but has traveled internationally for training and competing.  The experiences he comes back with are unbelievable.  With the International Megan's Law he will no longer to do this and his income will fall tremendously.

I know you must realize how difficult it is to find employement now a days.  Try being a sex offender during these times, even if you are a non violent, low risk you can not find employment.

Additionally, we have family in Ireland and Germany and he will not be able to visit them if the International Megan's Law is passed.  This is such a horrible thing to do to a family.

Please read the information I have taken time to prepare for you so that you and your staff can be better informed.  I know there is so much information out there, it is hard to find our absorb it all.

 

But, just keep in mind that each former offender should be dealt with individually.  You will find that many former sex offenders have not had sexual contact with children in their crimes.  Ask the right questions when dealing with offenders and attempting to enact laws for such.  Kindness and respect should be shown to all involved.

In the end, GOD IS THE JUDGE.  Let us pray that we treat his sheep, even those who have been lost for a time, with the love, dignity, and respect that they are due.  And research as proven this is the best way for most sex offenders.  Treatment has proven to be successful in making our communities and world more effective and less expensive.  While there are SVP that we need to focus on and enact these laws for them, we DO NOT and SHOULD NOT lump all sex offenders into the "one-size-fits-all".   It is less expensive to treat low and some medium risk offenders which is less expensive.  That allows us the money to focus on the SVP.

In closing,  please note that many offenders have families whose lives are unfairly and unnecessarily disrupted by the restriction, causing children to be pulled out of school and away from friends, causing spouses to lose jobs and community connections!  We may be creating a society of homeless people who can not contribute to our states and our great nation!  Let's not put more restrictions on these families.  Many of these reformed Sex Offenders have been through enough; they should now be put through more.  95% are first time offenders so why so much empathies on sex offenders rather that sex trafficking?

 

Terry,

Justice In Jersey

RSOL State Coordinator

 

Member:  SOSEN

ACA

SATA/CORE

NCAA

Stop It Now

APA

 

NowJustice4All@gmail.com

About the Author

I am a mother of a molested child and a mother of a one time, non-violent, consensual, internet sex offender.  While this is not a situation I would like to be in, it is one that uniquely in that makes it one that I can see both sides of the issues.

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